Yet another zip of beer, which I solemnly swear to drink. This pathetic dark bottle has stood open in fridge from yesterday evening – it is no longer fizzy, and it is no longer tasty. I consider myself facing a choice: either to make philosophical conclusion about my screwed up childhood and life, take a shot of rum instead or just grab that beer bottle. It seems always this hard – you want simple things, you need them to be simple, but they turn out the other way. Aah, fuck it!
The bottle it is. I poured the dark drink into a glass which just happened to stand on the fridge and having no bigger considerations about that. Hei, that seemed simple enough decision, didn’t it?!
Laying in the bed, I stared at the empty TV. How boring it all seemed to me. They talked about India:
”People usually come here to search for the spirit.” That is true, but if you sincerely need to leave and have no money to actually go, does it really matter if they show it or not.
Of course I could be hopeful that one fair day I will leave and visit all these interesting an fascinating places, but what would be the point of that. I mean, I really love creating my own dreams. But there are very few times when they work out. Go figure…
For example, I was at the airport a week ago. I had a destination – my feet wanted to take me home. In the morning, I packed a suitcase and took my passport. It was a sunny day and I was walking through this small city where all the wheels were echoing from each direction of the streets. I remembered that I was genuinely happy once – no one knew me in here and I felt free as a bird out of the nest. And with same anonymous feelings I flew into the airport strait to the check-in table.
“I would like a ticket to Estonia. Could you please help me?” A naive and hopeful blond girl was asking with her eyes almost in tears. She had no choice – it was her last chance to hope for simple happiness.
The receptionist looked helpful enough and started to search for flights. She was speaking in Danish to another woman sitting next to her. At first glance the other one seemed to be blind, because the only thing she stared at was the screen and my mind was wondering whether she really was. After a while it turned out that she just was helping the first one.
I kept only one thought in my head – leave this place. Even if I have to return --- don’t… What for do you live here and what is the point of all this pain. My tears were kept back – I stood strongly with my back straight. And I just waited…
“The only flight we have is today at 17.40. And it is through København.” Said the woman finally.
“And how much is the flight?” I asked.
“230 Euros.” My heart clinched – I did not breathe for a second. It was reality, who knocked on my heart (Hei, dueh, you have only 100 Euros on your account. Did you really think that people would help you and you could get a really cheap flight away from this God forsaken town?)
“Should we make a reservation?” asked the woman kindly.
“Do you have any cheaper flights, maybe to Helsinki?” I asked with a kind smile on my face, always hoping for the best.
They always say about hope, that it dies last. And then that not so awesome twin called Reality steps in. (That party pooper!)
The woman could not help me anymore, but she suggested me to check in the internet so I would get cheaper tickets. Thanking them both for their help, I left the check-in with my rolling wheels and a serious face. I noticed the people leaving to their planes, while they are showing their luggage to the airport security. They all have serious faces – what I could have done to be at their place. At that point there came sadness over me. I sincerely wished in my heart that I could be one of them.
I sat down in the internet lounge. Four computers stood on concrete tables and some black chairs in the other side of the lounge. I sat to one of the chairs putting my trolley gently next to me. Breathing heavily I started to think, where have I really come with all this. I just wanted to go home and forget everything. It should not matter that it was just 2000 km away. I should call someone and they would help me. No, said my ego. You will not ask for help. Look at yourself, you made this mess, now clean it up.
From big windows to the front of Aalborg Lufthavn a man was smoking a cigarette. My pain knocked on the shoulder. I could have smoked as well – that could have helped so much. Fuck, I care about my health too much, even now. Damn this quitting of smoking. The phone rang.
It was him. “Are you going to come and pick up the table today?”
Too much emotions. Again. No escape from stupidity, people not understanding the situations and me not able to help myself. I did not know what to answer. Somehow faint words about the situation came out.
“I am not at home right now. How can I pick it up?!” I started to defend my beliefs. But there was no point. I knew he was right – it was unthinkably stupid to go to the airport unplanned. Of course my emotions were not so stable in order to understand it completely. Imagining that I will give my loved one the money or drive him myself where he would like, I totally forgot, that this is not the world I or any of us live in.
This is THE REALITY.
After talking to him for some minutes, he made himself very clear that he does not want me to leave and he needs to know if I return, ever. And that he will take the table out if I will not return.
I wanted to scream at him, that I really do not care about the idiotic table and it was his anyways. But I stayed put. I accepted every word he said as this illuminatingly reasonable and considerable person I should be. With all my strength and respect I managed to make an ending conclusion, that perhaps another day would be better. And he agreed. At one point we both were at one mind – there was no point for me to leave. And live in a dream somewhere else. Besides, I always run when things get too hard.
It is much harder to stay. I hung up. I really wished to go. I needed to go away and run.
Still, fuck the table.
I smiled to myself. The realization of what am I actually doing and how it might look to the people in check it brought me back to earth. And I prepared to leave from the airport.
I sat at the bus stop outside. It had been a sunny and bright morning. And yet, the wind wanted to blow the bus stop away. I sat still. I was myself – it did not matter what happen now.
And it was freakishly cold that day. Shining sun did not do its job and the spring weather was not much to praise for. And I was just sitting at the stop. There was a Danish girl next to me, who had probably roots in some Asian country. She put her legs on the blue-colored bench as I had done earlier. I kept making up a story of her being a student and visiting her relatives somewhere in China or Japan. The wind kept mixing up my stories – it was the hardest wind I have witnessed in many months here in Denmark. The bus came. The Chinese girl, one elderly man and I – we all went home from our journey no matter how long or short it might have been. And we were all smiling… For me more about the stupidity…
This is how I fought my dreams. Without any passion and willingness to cooperate with my soul, I gave up to reality.
And still I drink the beer. The refreshing cold taste gets better and better with every mouthful. Its bitter aftertaste makes me enjoy this one thing… this one fulfillment for a moment.
It was here for a while – the feeling for alcohol, so precious and perfect in its existence. The taste of sweetness and bitterness at one time – the secret of craving for something which you have tasted before but could not remember. The unreality and dream of having everything and being able to be happy for a second had possessed my every sense. The knowing and exploring pleasure of each molecule. And then the taste of the beer disappeared. The aftertaste faded from my tongue. And the senses became dull. I need another one –
could it be possible to hate the concept of one-day-old beer and at the same moment enjoy it the fullest with every sense you have been given.
Seeing the bottom of the glass has made me realize – it was passion towards the flavor, the enjoyment towards a simple thing like alcohol, which will make people addicted and act like they have never acted before. But how far will this drunkenness go?!
Are we able to cooperate better with reality the next day? Or do we crave for another sweet bottle the next morning? I should have another one, even though I have school tomorrow.
My conscious says: “No”
Fuck it, I have to do something with my life. It can be drinking or being in reality – at least I will make it to the next day. And HOPEFULLY through it … and I know how far that got me ;)
Welcome to reality, baby!!!
